My Eyes
by Syaoransbear
Summary: A man finds a book with handwriting in it on his morning jog. It tells a story of a girl’s past. This is for everyone who has ever been bullied, and felt they were ugly just because someone said they were. This story is all true.
1. Chapter 1

My eyes.

Summary: A man finds a book with handwriting in it on his morning jog. It tells a story of a girl's past. This is for everyone who has ever been bullied. For everyone who has ever looked in the mirror and felt they were ugly just because someone else said they looked that way. This is for everyone who has ever been betrayed, hurt, or emotionally beaten.

But most of all, this is for me.

Disclaimer: I do not own Cardcaptor Sakura.

Dedicated to: Teresa Nguyen, whose point of view was torn apart because someone couldn't understand what she felt through **her** eyes.

Sorry I haven't been updating clash, I've had my own inner battles to come to terms with before I could move on with that story.

* * *

He was twenty-two years old, lean with brown hair and fiery dark amber eyes. His feet pounded the sidewalk as he jogged through the brisk morning air. It was routine for him to wake up at six am and jog through the park for forty-five minutes daily. His work was stressful and demanding, and those forty-five minutes in the morning were all he had to himself besides sleeping.

He jogged down the path, and spotted a bench for him to rest. Panting, he sat down, only to find something beneath his bottom. He moved over, and noticed a navy blue book with nothing on the cover or back. It was slightly moist with dew, so he picked it up to discard it in the trashcan nearby.

His fingers slipped from the tiny droplets of water on the hard cover, and the book fell open. Instead of typed letters there was hand printed words, all spoken in first person. Almost like a diary.

"Hate." He read the first word that caught his eye. The young man looked around to see if anyone had lost it, before picking it up and putting it in the front pocket of his loose jogging pants.

He took the short route home, curious about the new book he discovered.

* * *

"Mr. Li! Mr. Li!" An employee whined, trying to keep up to her boss in her black high-heeled shoes.

"Mmmppf" Her boss mumbled in reply.

"I just wanted to check if this layout for the new vehicle was okay with-"

"God dammit Ms. Yanko, you've checked if that layout was okay with me seven times now. It was fine then, and it's fine now. Now leave me alone and **_stop calling my house and hanging up when I answer the god damn phone_**!" He huffed, his brown eyes sparking angrily while he walked away.

The young lady blushed, "Y-Yes sir…"

He sat down at his desk in his private office, and sighed. It was unsure workers that screwed up his business. His opinion was that confidence was everything you needed to succeed. He looked around his office, and opened his briefcase. He took out the little navy blue book.

"_Property of Sakura Kinomoto_," He read out loud to himself. He scoffed, "Never heard of her. Probably just another writer trying to get off their feet and make a couple of bucks. This kid needs a _real_ job"

He flipped to the first page, and began reading.

* * *

It was my first day of grade two, and I was excited because my best friend, Naoko, was in my class. I had known her since I was 4. Her mother used to baby-sit me before and after school because my mother and father went to work very early and didn't come back until late. Since we spent all that time together, we grew to be inseparable.

Naoko had short brown hair and glasses. I had light colored hair that went down to my bum, and green eyes. Naoko was chubby, and I looked emaciated.

We were just told whom our teachers were, and my class was being led to their classrooms. I was one of the first students in the classroom, so I took a spot right in the middle of the room. When I was young, I used to be one of those hyper kids who wouldn't stop moving, but wouldn't say much either. I was afraid of teachers, so most of the time I was quiet. When I was with my friends, I was chatty and bubbly.

Students filed in one by one. But one girl caught my eye. She had long dark hair, and pretty purple eyes. I squinted my eyes.

_I hate her._

That was the first thought that came to my mind as soon as I saw her. I hated her from the start. Something in my gut told me to hate her, and later in the years I found out she hated me when she first saw me too. We never spoke to each other, and we definitely never spoke of our hatred either.

We were young, and hate was such a strong word for our age group.

* * *

I was laughing with my best friend Naoko as we came in from recess. We both had best friend necklaces around our necks that my mother had bought us. They were a current fad and everyone had one.

I spotted the girl I hated, Tomoyo, talking with one of my other friends. Tomoyo was always very serious, and she obtained the highest marks in our class. She had a frown on her face, but turned to me and smiled.

"Hi Sakura!" She said cheerfully. She opened up her hand. "I want you to have this"

In my youthful eyes, that necklace was beautiful. The chain was black, and the charm on it was half a heart that said "Forever" on it. The heart was pink and sparkly. She had the other half, the side that said, "Best friends."

Amazed by how lovely it was, I thanked her and she put it around my neck. We smiled at each other, and then proceeded to swap phone numbers so we could play together sometime.

Accepting that necklace, however small that action was, was the very thing that created my life. It was the starting of a nightmare that ended several years later, but continues to haunt the dreamer in memories.

* * *

How ironic that the charm says 'Forever' on it, when I know that I'm going to remember her forever.

* * *

Days went by when Tomoyo finally called and invited me over. I was excited; it was the beginning of a new friendship. I got to her house, and was greeted with a friendly old dog. We played together, and her mom offered us delicious cookies. I couldn't remember having a better time.

"My mom doesn't want you to ever come to my house again," Tomoyo mused at the memory of her mother telling bad things about me. "She said you were too hyper, you eat too much, you're messy and your hair sheds too much and you were like bouncing off the walls! Haha!"

I frowned, _what did I do wrong?_ Everything seemed fine to me.

"Oh… Ha ha ha" I said, pretending not to be hurt by the fact that her mom disapproved of me.

"Oh well, we can just play at your house" Tomoyo said, smiling. I smiled a bit too.

"Yeah…"

* * *

Years went by, and our friendship grew, but for the next two years we were in separate classes. We lost almost all contact, and I became friends with another girl by the name of Chiharu. We spent the entire summer together, and she was one of my favorite friends I had ever had. She was understanding, considerate, funny and playful. We loved teasing her cats, but grade five rolled around and I was met with chaos.

"Oh Naoko you're in my class!" I said to my best friend, whom I still managed to be best friends with. She sat beside me.

"Sakura we finally get to be in the same class, I'm so excited!" Naoko said, grinning. I smiled back at her, before I noticed Tomoyo glaring at me from across the room. She had been placed in the same classroom as Naoko and I. When Tomoyo caught me looking at her, she smiled at me.

Nervously, I smiled back. _Was she… giving me bad looks?_

It was at the moment I began to fear her.

During the first week of class, we were instructed to pick our lockers. We were given a small piece of paper to write our names on, and we could also color any design we wanted on the paper. I took a ruler and drew eight lines on the paper so it looked like a square pie. It was a little sign I had been doing since grade three, only the original sign was just a circle cut into eight pieces. I colored the pieces rainbow, got some tape, and put it on my desired locker.

During that time Tomoyo had been coming over to my desk and repeatedly interrupting me as I colored. I wondered how she had found the time to create her own locker tag, since she was at my desk almost the entire time.

The bell rang, and it was recess. I went to my locker to put on my outdoor shoes, when I noticed whose locker was beside mine.

On a square piece of paper with eight pieces all colored rainbow read the name Tomoyo. She had copied my design, and her locker was directly next to mine. I was flattered, she had liked my design and copied it, but she didn't have to do the rainbow colors _exactly_ the same.

"Hey… it looks just like mine." I said to her, she smiled.

"Yeah I thought it would be neat if we had the same locker tag. Is that okay?" She asked me. I nodded. Naoko came out of the classroom, and the three of us went out for recess.

* * *

That year brought on an onslaught of fights breaking out between Naoko and Tomoyo. They both hated each other. I couldn't abandon either of them, so I chose not to take sides. My friendship with Naoko deteriorated once I became unable to play with her everyday.

"Sakura!" My mom's voice yelled. "The phone is for you"

"Who is it." I grumbled, getting off of the couch.

"It's Tomoyo"

My heart sank. Everyday she would call at around 5pm and talk about nothing, literally.

"Hello?"

"Hi!" Her cheerful voice said. The phone became silent. Everyday she would call me, and for two entire hours I would have to sit in the kitchen, holding the phone to my ear while neither of us said a word to each other. I would wait for two hours just for her to say something, _anything_, but usually the next word she said after "Hi," was, "I have to go, bye." I had no idea why she did it, but I suspected it was so Naoko couldn't ask me to play. We had call waiting, but every time the phone beeped, I would tell Tomoyo there was someone on the other line, and then she would tell me not to answer it. I obeyed.

It was two hours of staring at the fridge. Two hours of no TV. Two hours of having to eat supper late because it was rude to make eating sounds while on the phone. Two hours of complete silence. I didn't even know if she was still holding the phone. A couple times I would have to go to the bathroom.

"Hello?" I asked the phone, waiting for Tomoyo to give me permission to go to the bathroom. The other end was silent. "**_Hello!_**"

Frustrated, I hung up the phone. Just as I started walking away, it rang. I picked it up.

"Why did you hang up" She questioned me harshly.

"I had to go to the bathroom." I said.

"Oh" She said in a monotone voice. From then continued another hour of silence on the phone.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Cardcaptor Sakura.

My parents didn't question me about why I wasn't even speaking on the phone. Nobody even bothered to notice me as I sat on the floor next to the phone for two entire hours every day. I don't know if they just accepted it as normal, or didn't care. Either way, this continued and deleted any interaction I had with Naoko outside of school. Our friendship that had lasted since childhood was dying.

"Hey Sakura, did you know that Naoko was bad mouthing you?" Tomoyo said, a smug expression on her face. I blinked.

"What? She wouldn't do that…"

"Yeah she said you ate boogers and your hair was ugly. She also said you looked anorexic and disgusting" Tomoyo said. I frowned.

"Naoko is my best friend, she wouldn't say that" I defended.

"Well she _did_"

"Just **shut up** Tomoyo, I know Naoko wouldn't say that!" I burst out. Tomoyo's eyebrows rose in surprise at my defense, and I looked down afraid of what she would say.

"Fine. Whatever," Tomoyo grumbled. We continued walking around the playground in silence.

* * *

I defended Naoko to the best I could. Standing up to Tomoyo was one of the bravest things I had ever done. She scared me, and she knew it. 

Tomoyo didn't say much about Naoko after the incident. After a week, things started to become rocky between the three of us. Tomoyo would say the meanest things about Naoko, mostly about her weight. Naoko was a bit chubby, and Tomoyo couldn't stand fat people. Naoko didn't say anything about Tomoyo, besides that Tomoyo was mean.

"Sakura, how could you say that about me?" Naoko shouted to me. I looked up at her from the swing set.

"What?" I asked. I looked at Tomoyo who was staring at the ground.

"You… You said I was fat and ugly! Best friends don't call each other that, Sakura" Naoko said, almost in tears.

"I never said that!" I said truthfully. Naoko looked at Tomoyo.

"Tomoyo said you did!" Tomoyo looked away from me.

_Maybe I did say it? No I wouldn't ever say that… maybe I accidentally said it when I was mad. I'm sure I didn't say it…but if Tomoyo **heard** me say it then I must have. But I'm positive I didn't…_

"I never said that" I repeated, only this time a bit less unsure.

"Don't lie to me Sakura. Tomoyo has been telling me all of the things you've been saying behind my back. We're not friends anymore, I'm sick of this." Naoko glared at me, then walked away.

A look of complete disbelief was on my face. My best friend had just left me. Just like that. I stared at the ground in silence. We had been best friends for years, and we rarely fought. I was so caught up in my thoughts, I forgot who had caused us to break up.

"Sakura, the bell rang" Tomoyo said to me. I looked up at her, void of emotion, and began walking towards the school.

It was awkward in class with Naoko sitting beside me. I tried to pass her notes, but she refused to look at them. I had lost my best friend. Later that week, the teacher assigned us a new seating arrangement because some of the students were talking too much. Naoko was moved away from me, and Tomoyo had replaced her spot beside me.

"Hey Sakura," Tomoyo began as I put my backpack on to go home. "Want to walk me home?"

"Home? You live 10 minutes away from the school though… It's completely out of my way." I said.

"Plleeaaaasseee?" Tomoyo begged. I sighed, and gave in. The walk to her house was boring and in the complete opposite direction of my own house. When we got to her neighbors house, she turned and smiled at me.

"Oh yeah, just to let you know, Naoko and I are best friends now. I hope you don't mind…" Tomoyo said. My mouth dropped open. I was too sad to be angry with her. Besides, what right did I have to keep them apart just because Naoko and I weren't friends?

"I-I… don't care. I don't control you." I grumbled. Tomoyo smiled at me, then ran inside to her house. I began my long walk all the way back to my house, and in total I was half an hour late. This began another torture treatment from Tomoyo. It was the start of a year of walking her home everyday in almost **pure silence**.

* * *

It was a while before I realized I was trapped. I couldn't leave Tomoyo even if I wanted to. I would much rather be friends with her than be all alone every recess. That seemed like a nightmare for me. Naoko and Tomoyo's friendship grew, then after as little as two weeks it was gone. Tomoyo said, "She was boring," and that was that. My only tie to ever befriending Naoko was gone. And I never talked to my old best friend again.

* * *

I had a friend. A great friend. Her name was Rika and I met her when I was three years old. My mother had placed me in dance, and there I met a girl who was one year older than me, and was one of the most caring girls I had ever known. She was chubby, like Naoko, but that didn't really matter. Rika and I were close, but it was hard since she lived 20 minutes driving distance away from me, and also went to a different school. That year she was pulled out of my dance class and put into a higher one since she was one year older than I and about one hundred times better at dancing. I tried to tell her about what Tomoyo had done to Naoko and I, but Rika had no advice for me. 

Rika wasn't a complete secret to Tomoyo. She knew of her, but I didn't say much to Tomoyo. She was extremely jealous and bad-mouthed Rika too, even though they never met before. One time, as I was leaving to go to the movies with Rika, Tomoyo called. The horrible thing about Tomoyo was that you couldn't ignore her calls. She let the phone ring until it **couldn't** ring anymore. Then, she would call back, and let it ring some more. You would have to go through 15 minutes of constant ringing before she finally gave up, and that was too annoying for anyone in my house to handle.

"Hello?"

"Hi"

The silence began, but I ended it in under a minute.

"Uhm, I have to go Tomoyo…" I began nervously.

"Why?" She asked in her harsh, unforgiving tone.

This was where her hatred for Rika really began. I could have lied. I should have lied. But I didn't.

"I'm going to a movie with Rika." I answered. The phone was silent for a bit, then without warning, Tomoyo hung up. I stared at the phone, shrugged, and went to the movies with Rika.

Tomoyo couldn't stop saying horrible things about Rika. I tried defending her, but that only directed the insults to me. So I sat there and let her tell me what she thought about Rika, even though they had never seen each other before. I never realized how controlling Tomoyo really was until she demanded that I stop being friends with Rika.

"Why do you want to be friends with her anyway?" Tomoyo asked, a frown on her face.

"I-I don't know…" I said. I don't know, maybe because she's nice and I like her?

"Well if you don't know you should stop being friends with her." Tomoyo said. I looked up at her, shocked.

"What? I'm not going to stop being friends with her!"

"If you don't stop being friends with her, I'll stop being friends with you. What's better, a friend at school or a friend at some other school that you barely even see?"

I looked at my shoes. I hated it when she threatened our friendship if I wouldn't do something she asked. I sighed.

"Fine, I'll stop being friends with her" I lied. Tomoyo smiled.

"Good"

This brought on the secret friendship between Rika and I. Every time I played with Rika, I told my mom to tell Tomoyo I was going to visit my grandma if she called. Everything was done in secret. We rarely went out in public together because I started having nightmares of Tomoyo finding us together. I told Rika that I had to keep her a secret, and she understood.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Cardcaptor Sakura.

It was another school day, and I was playing with Tomoyo's long silky hair that was in a ponytail.

"Your hair is so nice Tomoyo." I said, playing with it. "I wish my hair was like yours"

"You should cut your hair," Tomoyo said. My hair could be described as long, wavy strands that reached my bottom. I always had it down. "It's ugly."

"I-I… My dream is to grow it down to my feet" I said quietly. "I've always wanted to ever since I was little."

"Well it's ugly and I think you should get it cut. Maybe you won't look so disgusting then."

I bowed my head down, ashamed, and continued playing with her hair in silence.

The next two weeks all Tomoyo could talk about was how I should cut my hair. She even talked to my mother on the phone and told her to take me to the hairdresser to get it cut. My mom, annoyed with the phone constantly ringing and my low self-esteem, took me to the hairdresser.

When I came out, my hair was four inches shorter. But my hair was so long in the first place that it barely made a difference.

Tomoyo nagged at me to get it cut to my shoulders, but I refused. Her teasing about my hair being ugly subsided somewhat.

I stared at the board, aggravated by her several different words she called me that all meant ugly. She passed a note to me, and I opened it up.

_Genta just invited me to his birthday party! Too bad he'd never invite you._

I wanted to cry. Tomoyo knew I had a huge crush on Genta ever since I saw him in the second grade. I thought it was cute the way he stuck out his tongue when he was concentrating. He was a real pretty boy.

Depressed, I wrote, "_Congratulations, you're so lucky_" on the note and passed it back. I looked at Tomoyo, who seemed to have a satisfied expression on her face.

* * *

We were at my house that day. I was watching Tomoyo talk on the phone. I liked coming to my house better. When we were at her house, the only thing we did was play on the computer. And by we, I mean her. And by play, I mean watch her go on my msn account and talk badly to all of my contacts. She never allowed me to tell them it was her, so I obeyed. Many times I either said it was my big brother, Touya, or that I was having a bad day and didn't mean it. In the end, several people grew to hate me, but at least Tomoyo was happy ruining my life. For hours I would sit there, and watch painfully as she talked mean to everyone. It was horrible, I felt helpless. I couldn't do anything to stop her. She knew my password because she forced me to give it to her. I never knew hers **ever**.

I didn't mind the bad talking as much as when she wanted to make dances. She'd bring down her CD player, play some horrible music, and order me around in an attempt to create a dance. I hated dancing. I never liked it, and she was making it worse. Her little routines drove me insane, but I bottled it in and kept my temper. I never uttered a bad word against her.

But while we were at my house, she heard some news from a friend that Genta had two girls, whom Tomoyo disliked, on his speed dial. Immediately, she gave me the phone and ordered me to call him and ask.

"I'm _not_ doing it." I said. Tomoyo begged some more. My shyness was kicking in, and I just couldn't bring myself to call him. "Look, I don't care that he has their numbers on speed dial. _You_ do, so _you_ can do it"

A few threats and insults later, I found myself listening to the phone ring as I waited for him to pick up.

"Hello?" His mother answered, I was shaking from nervousness.

"H-Hi, is Genta there?" I stuttered. Tomoyo was waiting patiently at the kitchen table. Genta came to the phone, and I asked the question.

"Uhm… Could you hold on a second, Sakura?" He said. I said okay, and waited. A few seconds later, Genta came back on the phone.

"Would you like to come to my birthday party?" He asked. Inside, I screamed in delight. I said, "Sure" then we both said our goodbyes and hung up the phone. I danced over to Tomoyo and told her the good news. She was much, much, much less excited than I.

"Why are you going, you hate him" Tomoyo said, glaring at me. I gave her an incredulous look. She knew I liked him.

"I don't hate him"

"Yes you do, you told me" I ran through my memories, and I couldn't find a single instance where I said I hated him. But my memory wasn't very good…

"Well I…"

"Well if you're going, I guess, you should come to my house before the party. I can do your hair and put it up and make it less ugly" She said. I frowned.

"I don't want to put my hair up. I **hate** having my hair up" I said. She rolled her eyes.

"Well just come to my house before anyway" Tomoyo said, smiling a bit. I sighed, and agreed.

* * *

The day finally came, and we both gave him money since we weren't sure what boys wanted. I was at Tomoyo's house, and she was brushing my waist length hair.

"You know, your hair would look better if it was done up"

"I don't want it up" I insisted. She sighed.

"Sakura, could you go get me the scissors?" She asked. I started to get up, but I hesitated.

"Oh no there is just this… blanket here that I want to cut." She said. Naively, I believed her, and brought down the scissors from the kitchen. A few seconds went passed as she brushed my hair, then faintly…

Snip. Snip. **Snip.**

Alarmed, I pulled away from her, only to realize most of my hair had been cut to my shoulders. My dream of growing it to my feet, died.

"Tomoyo!" I yelled, and ran to the bathroom to see the damage.

"Oh Sakura, it isn't even noticeable." She said, unconcerned.

"Fine… I guess I'll just leave it like this then"

"No, no, no! It looks horrible it's like a big zigzag and half of your hair is gone, you should wear it up!" Tomoyo insisted, contradicting her previous statement of it not being noticeable.

"But… But" I began.

"I'm putting it up." Tomoyo announced. It was final.

* * *

My teacher assigned a project. We were supposed to pick a province in Canada, make a box, and put things in the box and present it to the class. I picked the Northwest Territories. Tomoyo, after finding out which province I was doing, picked the same.

We both unpacked our projects onto a table in the hallway. I was done, and waited quietly in the class. This was done after school, so not very many people were left in the hallways. A loud yell came from the hallway that sounded like Tomoyo. I went out of the classroom, and noticed someone had packed her project back up.

"Sakura! You stupid, _ugly_ idiot why did you ruin it?" She yelled at me angrily.

"I didn't-"

Then it happened. The moment that changed her abuse from emotional to emotional _and_ physical.

Her hand rose, and she slapped me across the face. I stumbled back, my hand rising to my cheek. It didn't hurt; it didn't hurt at all. It was just the shock that my best friend would hit me for something I didn't do. She looked at her hand, her eyes having a powerful glow to them. I ran to the boot-room and cried. Many people came to comfort me who had seen the ordeal. I told them how it didn't hurt, but I was just so shocked that my best friend would hit me. They seemed to understand. Tomoyo came up to me, her face emotionless.

"Walk me home" she ordered. I obeyed.

* * *

Summer came, but the insults persisted. Next came the physical abuse. My arms and legs were never without cuts and bruises. That small taste of power Tomoyo had, grew. If I didn't do something she wanted me to, she would hit me, push me, or scratch me. Most of the time she would pinch me hard just because she was bored. Whenever she raised her arm, even to just scratch her cheek, I would flinch away and cover my head out of instinct. I remember one time she pushed me into the corner of the wall when I was in her way. My face bruised and my ear bled.

That year we went to camp together. Five days, three major fights, and four times I cried. Spending every moment with her almost drove me mad. I hated how she took my plate of food from me and made me get another for myself. I hated how she insulted me in front of the entire camp and embarrassed me.

I hated to come back to the cabin and see a crowd of people laughing and pointing at a pile of clothes on the front porch. The pile of clothes that were my **dirty underwear**, which Tomoyo had so kindly put out there for the whole camp to see.

The end of summer came, and Tomoyo was sitting on my computer browsing my e-mail.

"Who is… Chiharu?" Tomoyo said, squinting at the screen. My heart froze.

"Uhm, it's nobody. Just delete that." I said hastily. Tomoyo opened up the e-mail, and read it. She looked at me.

"What, are you guys like friends or something?"

I stayed silent. If I said yes, she would insult or hit me. If I said no, she would insult Chiharu whom I deeply adored. Tomoyo clicked reply, and started working on her hate e-mail. I tried to peek over her shoulder to see what she was typing, but each time she would cover the monitor or push me away. I waited until she hit the send button, and looked over to see the e-mail had sent to Chiharu.

Tomoyo glared at me, "Don't you dare tell her that e-mail was from me."

I obeyed.

* * *

Grade six was the hardest year of my life. The only friend I had left was Tomoyo. Visiting Rika became more risky, so we slowly drifted apart.

I entered the classroom, staring at the ground. My somewhat short hair was pulled back into a ponytail. Tomoyo had come over to my house early that morning and forced my hair into a tight ponytail. One just like hers.

I took my seat and watched Tomoyo come into the classroom and sit behind me. More students filed in, and Chiharu's face stuck out from the crowd. She looked at me, glared, then walked to an open desk. I stared at my hands, ashamed. I never told Chiharu it was Tomoyo that sent the e-mail. I was too afraid of Tomoyo. I didn't even know what was on the e-mail, but it looked like it was pretty awful by the way Chiharu was acting.

Weeks went on, and Tomoyo and Chiharu grew to be friends. This wasn't a surprise to me. I was nice to Chiharu, but everyday Tomoyo would tell me about all the nasty things Chiharu said when I wasn't there. I began to fear Chiharu as well.

At recess, it was usually the three of us. Chiharu and Tomoyo would chat away while I followed them around. Tomoyo was the only thing I had left, and I just couldn't let go. One recess, I was completely ignored by Chiharu and Tomoyo. Before, every now and then they would acknowledge my presence by insulting me and calling me a little dog since I followed them around. I didn't deny it. My head always hung down low, constantly ashamed. But this recess, they walked right passed me. It seemed like the end. This brought on the months of lonely recesses. I was forced to go outside by the teachers, but I had nowhere to go. My routine to fill up the time consisted of walking. I would walk three times around the rink, once around the field, then to the big hill and back. That usually filled up the time. If it didn't, I would sit by myself in the bushes on the hill and wait for the bell to ring.

My routine didn't go unnoticed. Tomoyo and Chiharu often followed me, mocking me as I walked. Every flaw I had, they pointed out. They would follow me and whisper insults about me to each other just loud enough so I could hear every word. When I tried running away from them, I was met with Tomoyo's hard grip on my arm. They held me on the spot and laughed at me as I tried to pull away from them. More insults came, and I began crying.

They never stopped following me, but I stopped running. I stopped crying in front of them, I stopped feeling. Everything they said I just absorbed and accepted. I didn't deny anything, they always told the truth. Their favorite insults were anorexic, disgusting, smelly, flat, and ugly. The years where I was supposed to build a self-esteem were smashed. My self-image was based on the things they said about me, and still is.

Class time was horrible. Tomoyo sat behind me, and she would often put glue on my back and try cutting my clothes or hair with her scissors. I did nothing. The only thing I could do was accept it. I didn't care anymore.

I was a small person, and very light for my age. Being a late bloomer, this brought on more insults. Sex Ed class started, and Chiharu and Tomoyo found more insults. Whenever there was a picture of an immature girl, my cheeks would burn in embarrassment when Tomoyo would call out, "Hey look! It's Sakura!" to the class.

"Sakura" Tomoyo said in a somewhat sincere tone. I looked at her.

"You know when that picture of the girl with no boobs came on the screen?" I blushed slightly, and lowered my eyes to the floor. "Chiharu and I looked at each other and both said your name at the exact same time!"

I said nothing. What could I possibly say to her that would make things better?

* * *

I had a little butterfly notebook that Tomoyo and I used to talk to each other in class. Tomoyo forbid me from writing in Chiharu's book, which didn't bother me too much. Chiharu's only note in my book, "Sakura sucks poo poo. Really, it's in her teeth!" wasn't very friendly, so I had no motive to write in hers.

For as long as I could remember, my favorite number had been two thousand and fifty four. I still drew that circle cut into eight pieces as my sign, and my favorite name was Sophie. Whenever Tomoyo and I used to play make-believe, I would use the name Sophie. She started changing the things I liked. I wasn't allowed to like that number anymore, because apparently she had liked it before me. I wasn't allowed to ever draw that sign again, because she said she created it and I copied her.

In the butterfly notebook, she wrote more things to me.

_I told you before that the name Sophie totally doesn't suit you, so change everything you know that has Sophie in it **or else**._

I had been using that name since grade two. How could it suddenly not suit me anymore? I wrote back to her.

_Why did you bring that up?_

_Because it doesn't suit you! So change it! Whenever I like something you totally copy me!_

I was furious inside. She had always used the name Janelle. She stole my sign, my number, and now I wasn't allowed to like a simple name anymore.

_No, your name was Janelle._

She never gave me a response back, but I was forced to start disliking the name anyway.

Tomoyo was moved to a different part of the classroom, closer to Chiharu, but I could still hear them whispering my name and laughing.

The insults doubled. Somehow, Tomoyo still thought that she and I were friends. Outside of school, she was relatively nice. That's what kept dragging me back to her. Her attitude outside of school gave me hope that maybe she would change, that maybe she was actually good inside. This false hope was what stopped me from ending our friendship completely, along with the fear of Tomoyo.

If you weren't friends with Tomoyo, you were enemies. Being enemies with her was one of the worst things I could imagine.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Cardcaptor Sakura.

Tomoyowas also controlling in band class. I had hoped to play the saxophone that year, but there were too many people playing that instrument already. My second choice was the oboe, then the clarinet. I would have played the oboe if Tomoyo didn't force me into playing the flute. I hated the flute. It was such a weak instrument. It seemed like its only tune it could play was happy. I hated it, but I did it for her.

It didn't matter anyway. The flute section was next to the clarinets, and Chiharu played the clarinet. Her and Tomoyo sat together while I sat to the left of Tomoyo. It was one stand for every two people, so Tomoyo and I both shared a stand. Throughout the class, Tomoyo kept turning the stand away from me so I couldn't see it. When I turned it back, she and Chiharu would laugh at me. Tomoyo turned it back so I couldn't see the paper, and when I reached my hand out to spin it back around she bared her teeth.

"Don't touch the stand or I'll **smack** you!" She threatened. I put my hands on my lap, and stared at the floor. I didn't have anything to read, so for the rest of the class I looked at my flute, and watched Chiharu and Tomoyo imitating my defeated expression out of the corner of my eye.

Every band class went the same way. Tomoyo would turn the stand away from me, and I would be left to stare at nothing. I eventually put my book on my knees so I could, with much difficulty, read the music. Tomoyo often smacked my book off my legs, and laughed as I bent over to reach it. Over and over she did this, still finding the same amusement each time. I would simply pick it up silently, without ever making eye contact with her. There was nothing I could do. If I stood up to her, her hands or her words would attack me. My parents couldn't protect me from her while I was at school. Teachers couldn't protect me from her at all times. I was completely alone.

My life meant nothing. I sunk into a cold depression. Every morning Tomoyo would call me, tell me which clothes I had to wear that day, and how I would have to do my hair. At recess she and Chiharu bullied me into a pit of unfeeling. Then after school, I would walk her home in complete silence. I couldn't turn around and go home until she told me I could. Then Tomoyo would call me and let me listen to nothing for two hours. Nightfall would hit, and I would cry myself to sleep. I prayed every night for death.

This was my daily routine. A joke of a life. I was controlled in every possible way. I couldn't like certain things unless she let me.

"Sakura," Tomoyo began, sitting on my computer and talking to people on my msn account. "Do you like Sugar or Roxy?"

_Those are brand names for clothing._ Sure, I liked them; I thought they were cute. I couldn't tell Tomoyo this; she would probably forbid me from buying them.

"I don't know." I said, taking the side of indifference.

"Well do you or not?" She asked, becoming impatient.

"Sure" I said, watching her expression.

"Well, they don't suit you. You shouldn't ever wear them." She began. I squinted my eyes.

"How can _brand names_ not suit someone?" I asked.

"It just doesn't suit you, okay? So don't buy them!" She ordered. I nodded, paying little attention to her Roxy T-shirt she was wearing.

I didn't have many clothes, Tomoyo made me take back any clothes I bought if she didn't pick them out for me. When my mom would buy me clothes, I would make her return them for fear that Tomoyo would find them. I wouldn't have been able to wear them to school if Tomoyo didn't pick it out anyway. I was forced to bring her shopping with me every time I needed new clothes. She wouldn't let me pick out anything for myself. My mother had bought a hoodie for me for Christmas once, and Tomoyo threw a fit.

"Sakura! How could you get this?_ I_ wanted this hoodie!" Tomoyo shouted. I winced.

"How was I supposed to know…?"

"Well, you can't ever wear this since I wanted it. If I ever see you wear this hoodie I'll smack you" Tomoyo said. "Actually, just so I make sure you don't wear it even outside of school, I'm going to take it to my house"

"But-"

"You're not going to wear it anyway, so why do you care? You don't actually like it, do you?" Tomoyo asked. I bit my tongue. If I said I did, she would insult me and take it away. If I said no, she would still take it away.

"…No" I lied. Tomoyo took the hoodie away. The next day at school, she was wearing my hoodie.

I never even got to try it on…

Throughout all of sixth grade, a constant thought was at the back of my head. The only thing I could think about was suicide. I didn't understand how nobody could see what was happening to me. I didn't understand how everyone could just laugh so easily at my pain. My life was just a stupid, controlled routine. It was almost impossible to get out of bed every morning. I dreaded waking up, cursing God in the morning for not killing me in my sleep.

When I was very young, I didn't know why anyone would want to kill themselves.

But then I understood.

* * *

Winter brought on harsh storms, and the school allowed an indoor recess. My grade was sent to the gym. I sat on the stage in the corner all by myself. Chiharu and Tomoyo found where I was, and sat opposite of the stage from me. I could hear them as they insulted me, saying I had a big head and I was so ugly and scrawny. When I looked over at them to show I had heard, they just laughed at me. When the bell rang, I walked back to the classroom silently with my eyes staring at the ground.

* * *

Tomoyo invited me to her house, and I assumed I was going to watch her play on her computer again or she would make another dance. This time it was different. Tomoyo began crying. I was surprised, what was so wrong in her life that she had a right to cry?

"Sakura… I'm so mean to you" Tomoyo cried. I was hopeful. _Maybe she's finally changing?_

"I really don't mean it. It's just that everything makes me so angry and I guess I take it out on you. You're my best friend and I don't want to loose you." Tomoyo sobbed. I hugged her, but I should have known that her words were filled with air. This was why I was still friends with her. When things became horrible, she'd drag me back to her with some nice words, only to throw me back out again. Alone, she wasn't so bad. But at school, she **destroyed** me.

It was springtime, recess, and I was ready to do my laps around the rink. I walked out of the classroom with my head hanging low, but my fifth grade teacher stopped me. Her name was Mrs. Evans. She was also the vice-principle.

"Sakura" She began, "Where are your friends?"

I looked at my shoes, embarrassed and ashamed. "I don't have any."

"Then what do you do for recess?"

"I… I walk"

"But what about those girls that follow you sometimes?" She asked. I looked up at her, emotionless. I couldn't possibly explain to her that those girls following me were bullying me the entire time. Her expression horrified me. Her mouth went into the shape of an "O" in realization, and then her face clouded with pity. I looked down at the floor again.

"Would you like to help me in my classroom? I need some help cutting out these letters for the sign in the hallway." She said. I looked behind, and saw Tomoyo watching me. She seemed like she was approaching.

"I-uhm, no thanks." I said.

"If you want I can tell Dani and her friends to play with you at recess" She said. I shook my head, giving her an absolute "No". That was one of the most pathetic things I could think of. Having a teacher make the popular crowd play with you because you didn't have any friends was the lamest thing I had ever heard. I swiftly walked out the door as I saw Tomoyo coming towards me. I began my laps around the rink, but to my horror I saw Mrs. Evans talking to Dani and her friends. I stopped, my eyes getting wider.

Mrs. Evans pointed at me, so I began running as fast as I could away from the group.

"Sakura!" Dani yelled. I stopped, and they ran over to me. They seemed so cheerful and happy compared to how miserable I looked. I wondered if I was still able to smile like that too.

"Sakura" My named was said again, only this time it was Tomoyo. The girls looked at me.

"Sakura we're going to play kickball over there, if you want you can come join us" Dani said. I nodded, and waited for Tomoyo to say something to me.

"You know, they don't actually like you." She said. I flinched as her hand rose, but she only scratched her forehead.

"I know." I said. I was eager for her to dismiss me so I could at least humor the teacher by playing some kickball with Dani. Then Mrs. Evans could at least leave me alone. Tomoyo just stared at me, and the rest of the recess we stood there in silence. She didn't let me go.

Dani sat behind me in class, but said nothing to me.

It was the end of the day, and I was walking Tomoyo home.

"It was hilarious, the whole time Dani was behind you and making faces behind your back. She really, _really _hates you!" Tomoyo said, laughing.

My heart sank.

I felt edgy that day. I was on the brink of suicide. It was the only thing I could think about; I was just so sick of crying every night.

It was the last recess of the day. After that was band, which I hated. It was pointless going if I couldn't see the music. I walked out of the classroom to begin my laps, but Tomoyo was waiting for me.

"What, are you going to go walk around all alone by yourself again?" She scoffed. "Loser"

I snapped. I was never mean to her, I always did everything she said and she treated me like shit but pretended we were friends when nobody else was around. How could she still call us best friends?

"Shut up!" I yelled. She crumpled her face.

"Fine! We aren't friends anymore!" She said. I exploded on her, tears already rolling down my cheeks.

"**_I didn't think we were friends in the first place!_**" I yelled. I ran out the school doors and cried all the way home. When I came through the doors, I went straight for the kitchen. I pulled out a butcher knife, and put it on my wrist. I was going to commit suicide.

One cut was enough to realize the horror of it all. It was a tiny slice, but I understood what had happened to me.

I had died inside. Tomoyo had killed me.

It's the saddest thing in the world when someone has the power to destroy your sanity. When someone has enough power to make you want to kill yourself. You've died when the only way to get away from someone is to end your life, and you're completely willing to do it.

I had changed. I couldn't remember how to smile, and I didn't think it was possible for someone to show me how. I used to be bubbly and cheerful, but I became miserable and suicidal all because of my best friend.

I put down the knife. She could kill me on the inside, but she couldn't make me kill my body. If she wanted me dead, she could do it herself. I wouldn't even defend myself if she tried. I called my mom, crying, and asked her to make me switch schools.

For the moment, she agreed, but I never changed schools, so I was stuck with Tomoyo for the rest of elementary.

When I went to school the next day, one of Dani's friends came up to me.

"Sakura, why did you go home at recess?" She asked me, nosily. I hated this girl. She was annoying and a huge blabbermouth. I told her close to the truth.

"I didn't want to go to band." I said. It was true; I didn't want to go to band **when I couldn't even see the notes**. She stuck her nose up in the air.

"Well Tomoyo says it's because she stopped being friends with you."

I looked at Tomoyo, who glared at me. That wasn't the reason, but denying it just made them believe me less.

After school, Tomoyo and I were sent to see the vice-principal. She asked us questions, and said she had been having trouble with us since grade five.

"Well" Tomoyo started. She raised her hand, causing me to flinch out of reflex from all the times she hit me, but she was only putting her bangs behind her ears. "I haven't done anything at all"

The vice-principal looked at me. "Sakura, are you having problems with Tomoyo?"

I looked at the floor, ashamed of the answer about to come out of my mouth. "No. She hasn't done anything"

Mrs. Evans dismissed us from her office, and Tomoyo and I were friends again. I walked her home, and the whole thing was forgotten and never mentioned again.

I had defended her. She was cruel to me, and I still defended her. I hated myself for that, and my suicide feelings never went away. I couldn't live happy with all of my regrets. I couldn't live knowing that she still owned me.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Cardcaptor Sakura.

Towards the end of grade six, things got a little better. Chiharu and I became friendlier towards each other after I mustered up the guts to tell her Tomoyo was the one that sent her the e-mail. I made her promise to never tell Tomoyo she knew, though. She stopped helping Tomoyo gang up on me, so it was only Tomoyo bullying me. During the summer I even started to remember how to smile. The three of us began meeting a new group of people to be friends with. Our small group of three grew to be around 10.

Grade seven came, and the teachers had enough sense to separate Tomoyo, Chiharu and I. We were all in completely different classes. It was so unreal; it felt like a dream. During those days, it was weird to look around and not see Tomoyo and Chiharu whispering things about me. It was weird not hearing my name, followed my laughter. I began to miss all the times Tomoyo would call me over to her desk (which was on the other side of the classroom after she was moved for talking) only to look at me and say, "What do _you_ want?" pretending like she never ordered me to her desk in the first place. I would blush from embarrassment, utter "sorry", then go back to my desk. My bruises from her hitting me faded away, and eventually the scars blended into my skin complexion.

The emotional scars never went away. I avoided the mirror as much as I could. Tomoyo had called me ugly every day since grade five, and her opinion was all I could see in the mirror. She had drove over a critical period in my life with her opinions. That time would be when children would start caring about their appearance, and what everyone thought about them. Up until I met Tomoyo, my brother had always called me ugly. Then it was both of them calling me ugly until Tomoyo met Chiharu. Then all of them called me that. It was a nonstop insult, and repetition was truth. What I saw in the mirror was hideous and would forever continue to be hideous.

Memories were painful. Even physically. When I thought about things my body became tired and sore. My arms ached and my heart pulled. I was often in a daze. There was never a day when I didn't think about what happened. I couldn't forget, and I didn't want to. The experience made up whom I was. I didn't want to forget how I was made.

My grade dropped more. I was too busy staring at nothing and thinking. I would always be seen staring down, my eyes unblinking and wide. I couldn't stop thinking about it, it was just so painful to imagine. It couldn't have been real. I spent hours just remembering every detail to make sure that it happened. I was scared to lose her memory. I didn't want the experience to go to waste. So I thought about it everyday, reliving the emotions. I didn't let my memories die. It was just so insane how I could keep the memories in perfect condition. The order of the events were muddled, but the words, the feelings, they were there.

Tomoyo cared about popularity more than anything else, so she still continued to insult me heavily whenever the popular kids were near. She refrained from hitting me repeatedly when my sense of pain became numbed, her physical abuse no longer having any effect. Blackmail became her weapon of choice to get me to do things against my will. At first it was the common, "I won't be friends with you if you don't…" situation. Then it became lies like, "I'll tell everyone you stuff your bra" or secrets she promised me she would never tell. I was still completely in her control.

My mother had begun asking about the hoodie she had given me a year ago, and I said I lost it. Tomoyo was still wearing it to school, and was outraged when I asked for it back one day when I was walking her home. We had reached about half way to her house when I finally asked the question.

"Do you still have that blue hoodie?" I asked.

"Yeah"

"I need it back…" I whispered.

"Why? You aren't going to wear it anyway" Tomoyo said angrily.

"M-My mom wants it back"

"Well you aren't going to wear it so I'm not giving it back" Tomoyo yelled at me. "It's mine."

"Tomoyo, my mom really needs it back…" I said, hiding behind the mother excuse. I didn't have enough backbone to tell her that I wanted it. Tomoyo growled, and got my hoodie out of her backpack. I was surprised that she had it in there all this time.

"Fine, here's your stupid hoodie. We aren't friends anymore!" She announced, and began running home. I watched her, shocked.

Her words were empty, since she called me after I came home and pretended like nothing happened.

My friendship with Tomoyo was as close as ever, it seemed like the fact that she was in a different class didn't affect anything at all. A new girl came into our group, Megi, and was best friends with Chiharu. Megi and Tomoyo had the exact same thing in common: they loved to control.

I could tell Chiharu was slipping into the same pit I was in. She began keeping her eyes more on the ground and her smile was less common. We became close secretly. We both had the exact same problem, but just with different people. Megi never insulted Chiharu, but she loved using guilt to make Chiharu do what she wanted. Our opinions were suppressed, our emotions were suppressed, and the only way we could voice our thoughts was to each other over the phone. We couldn't do it over the Internet because Tomoyo was usually on my account posing as me.

I remember one day, Chiharu and Megi asked if I wanted to go to the store with them. I was afraid, what if Tomoyo saw me? I agreed anyway, and just as I hung up the phone Tomoyo called and asked if I could do something with her.

"Can't you come over here?" I asked.

"No I'm not allowed to, just come over here" Tomoyo insisted. I made up an excuse, and pulled myself out of her claws. I went to the store with Chiharu and Megi, but I had them promise to me they wouldn't tell Tomoyo I went to the store with them.

I grew to realize promises meant nothing at all.

* * *

One day I was on my newer msn account while Tomoyo was on my old one, posing as me and talking to everyone. It was silence on the phone again until she spoke up.

"Who is this?" She asked, and recited their e-mail address. I froze. It was Rika. We had still maintained a friendship through everything, but I felt it all suddenly crash down around me.

"She says it's Rika" Tomoyo said darkly. I bit my tongue as I heard Tomoyo's fingers smash against the keyboard, typing insults with all her might.

"Sakura, she says she is going to call you to check if it's you, **you better say it's you!**" She yelled at me. I heard a beep on the other line.

"Hold on, it's her" I said. I clicked the button.

"Hello?"

"Hi"

"Hi"

"… Was that you on msn" Rika asked, her voice sad. I didn't know what to say. I was sick of having to hide Rika and sneak around Tomoyo's back. I hated constantly being paranoid of being found out. If I told Rika it wasn't me, she would tell Tomoyo, who would insult me to no end.

"Yes," I said after a long silence. "It was me." I heard breathing on the other line, before she hung up without saying goodbye.

That was the last time I spoke to her. She'll live on for the rest of her life thinking that was me on msn, and thinking that I was the one saying those horrible things. I couldn't explain to her the degree of how controlled I was.

I remember when I was little I wrote in my diary, "Tomoyo was being kind of mean to me today…" Tomoyo browsed my diary as often as she browsed my e-mail. She took a pencil, erased her name, and put Chiharu instead. She rewrote my diary.

My fucking _diary_.

I didn't live anymore.

* * *

I remember coming out of the classroom, a smile on my face. I came to my group of friends, but Tomoyo was glaring at me.

"What? What did I do?" I asked.

"You bitch you lied to me. We aren't friends anymore" Tomoyo walked away. Megi smirked at me, and walked with Tomoyo. I was stunned. I wanted to cry. Tomoyo's glares were so hateful, they reached my heart and paralyzed it. I remember them so vividly. The feeling of not being safe. Of your body beginning to put its defenses up in case of an attack. The feeling of when your stomach drops to your feet and your blood follows. It gave me shivers; it was one of the things I was most afraid of. Chiharu pulled me aside.

"Megi was in the change room with Tomoyo, and she told her about the time we went to the store without her" Chiharu said, worried. I feared for my safety, Tomoyo was violent when I didn't do things her way. I was sure to pay for this in the end. When Tomoyo was angry with you it was the most threatening feeling ever. She was the kind of person that made you feel so unsafe, like your life was at risk. If I stayed, her words would drive me against myself. If I left, a world of hurt would ensure suicide in the end as well. Either way, I would always be in pain. With or without her.

"Why would Megi tell her? She promised she wouldn't" Chiharu shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't know, but Megi was laughing the entire time. She enjoyed seeing Tomoyo angry at you" Chiharu said sadly. I wanted to talk to her at my house in private, but I couldn't risk being caught by Tomoyo. If Tomoyo found out that Chiharu was at my house and she wasn't invited, I would be in more trouble.

It took only a few days before Tomoyo was herself again, and we were back to being friends. The silent treatments were torture, and she wouldn't allow me to hang out with my other friends. She said that they weren't my friends, they were her friends, and I shouldn't have any contact with them. So I was spending recess alone. I was just glad I could talk to Chiharu over the phone.

I don't know why I wasn't angry at Megi. It just never really occurred to me that I could be mad at someone for something. I was never angry; they either didn't mean it or it was my fault anyway. I hung onto life by a thread. Suicide was still on my mind, but nobody noticed. I didn't understand how nobody wondered why a cheerful little girl no longer looked at the sky anymore. Did they ever wonder why my eyes were so sad? Did they ever wonder why I couldn't laugh anymore?

My smiles were fake. When jokes were made, they were demeaning to me. Always jokes about how ugly I was, or stupid, or scrawny, or immature and flat. All I could do was laugh along with them. What else could I do? If I said to stop, they would leave me by myself. I saw what could happen from grade six; I couldn't take another killing.

Being a late bloomer brought on more things for Tomoyo to make fun of me for. She hadn't had her period yet, but she lied and said she did. She made fun of me for not having mine, which stressed me out because there wasn't a single thing I could do about it. When she called me flat, it drove me to insanity. We were **exactly the same size**. I couldn't understand why I was considered flat, and she was not. I thought about it all the time. We had the same size bra, same everything, but she still taunted me. Why did she get all the breaks? Why did she receive compliments?

I never received any compliments. Ever. My mother was demanding and pushy, my father never spoke, my brother called me ugly but not nearly as much as Tomoyo did.

I could never do well enough for my mother. I could never do well enough for Tomoyo. So I stopped trying. Why should I be bothered to try when all I do is get shut down? I lost all motivation, all self-esteem, all thought, all opinions. I was an unemotional body. And I was treated like one.

"Sakura" Lexi said, a friend I wasn't very attached to. She had ran down the big hill with Tomoyo hot on her heels. "Sakura, Tomoyo has been saying bad things about you"

After she repeated what Tomoyo said, I looked at the ground. Was I really that awful of a person? Was I actually as hideous as Tomoyo claimed?

"Tomoyo and I…" I began lying. "Made an agreement. If we ever say something bad about the other, we really don't mean it"

I lied for her. I defended her. There was evidence against her and I still fucking blew it.

"Oh, alright" Lexi said. That moment was never brought up again, but I still remember how I defended her. I forgave her. I forgave everything she did when I never received an apology. It was proof how controlled I was. I was just a fucking robot, bowing down to her every command.

It was summer time, and we were sitting outside my house. Tomoyo was playing with a grasshopper.

"Sakura, come over here." Tomoyo said, she brought out a lighter from her pocket. She began burning the bug first by its legs, then it's antenna. The burning, crackling sound as its insect flesh melted was sickening. I tried to stop her, but she held me back with her arm. I couldn't strike her. I couldn't speak against her. I could do nothing. She burnt the bug slowly, finally leaving it alone after it was charred and unmoving.

"I had no part in this" I stated firmly. She looked at me.

"It was all your fault. You could have stopped me, but all you did was watch. It was completely your fault that he burned" She said, and walked into my house.

I stared at the burnt bug, and buried it under some grass.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Cardcaptor Sakura.

Tomoyo was odd, she insisted she was straight, but the 'games' she played with me were becoming sexual as she aged. She would force me to show things I didn't want to show, and do things I didn't want to do. It would come in forms of dares I wasn't allowed to say 'No' to. The only game I can vividly remember was one she called, "Mommy, what's that?" Which I'm sure you can figure out what that meant. There was a time when she forced me to insert a finger inside a private area. I told her it hurt, and she let me stop, but her sex games didn't end until grade eight began.

Over the years I had become unacceptably dependable. I was so used to being controlled and told what to do I didn't have many opinions. I was constantly looking to someone else to tell me if it was okay to like something. I was so unsure of my actions it was sickening. I always asked permission for everything, for fear that the person might dislike what I was doing.

I learned helplessness. I was treated so cruelly that I couldn't see I could leave any time. But the thing was, I couldn't. Tomoyo was all I had left. Things would go back to grade six, where all she did was hit me with hands and words. That hurt so much more than what she was doing now.

My head just tore apart every time she called me a name, which was every moment I was with her. There's a difference when a stranger says something bad about you than when a best friend does it.

Best friends _never_ lie.

For all the times Tomoyo insulted me, I wished she had _hit_ me ten times instead. Physical pain bruised and faded. Emotional pain hid in the back of your head and molded your personality. You couldn't heal unless you could forget.

* * *

Grade eight was an odd year. We lost many friends, but our new group consisted of girls from my class. Tomoyo couldn't pretend that they were only her friends anymore, and I was just there because of her. I had, although only a drop, of control. Events like the ones in grade six didn't bother me anymore, so I never savored their memory. Insults came day by day, the amount of control was still high, but I was so numb and used to the routine that it didn't affect me like it used to. It wasn't as bad as grade six, I had friends this time, but the amount of insults and control was the same. It just didn't bother me as much; things can only seem as bad as you allow it to be.

"You can't put my fire bellied newts, my African albino clawed frogs, my goldfish, and my salamander in one tank." I said to Tomoyo. This was regular discussion whenever she was in my room.

"But _why_?" She asked. A girl we were friends with sat on my bed, giggling like an airhead.

"Okay, my frogs are blind. They eat anything that touches them. My newts are poisonous. If anything bites them they will release a poison from their glands and kill the animal. If you put them in there, my frogs are going to bite my newts and they will die" I explained.

"Okay fine I promise I won't do it if you are going to be such a bitch about it" Tomoyo said, satisfied that the other girl was giggling. I frowned, and left to go to the bathroom. I tried to be quick; I knew I couldn't trust Tomoyo. I never could before, so I certainly wouldn't start.

I heard laughing, then a high-pitched yell.

"Sakura! Help! He's eating them!" I heard Tomoyo yell. I raced out of the bathroom and into my room. All of my aquatic animals were together, and both frogs had newts in their mouths.

My hand flew into the tank and grabbed my fattest frog, Suppi. I pulled the newt out of his mouth and threw him into his own tank. My hand reached for my smaller frog Kero. I took the newt out of his mouth, but his mouth didn't clamp shut like Suppi's did. There was a bit of white foam on his lips, which I wiped off with my fingers. I put him in his tank and tended to the rest of the animals. I knew the newts would be fine; I had raised them to be insensitive to temperature changes. I believed that hard environments created hard animals, so my newts were tough and resistant.

"Tomoyo! I told you never to put them together!" I yelled at her.

"Well jeeze how was I supposed to know that would happen" She yelled back, but was laughing along with the other girl. My eye twitched, I had told her exactly what would happen, and it _did_ happen. But I wasn't angry with her, I was _never_ angry.

Kero wasn't doing well. His body was becoming hard and rigid. I remembered that my newts had the poison glands around their head. Suppi had bitten a newt by his bottom half, Kero had bitten a newt's head.

I put Kero into a container that had just enough water so that all he had to do was lift his head a tiny bit to breathe in oxygen. He couldn't swim up to the surface anymore. I found a Q-tip, wiping more poison out of his mouth.

The next day came, and he was completely paralyzed. I lowered the water level so his nostrils stayed above. The only way I knew he was alive was from the reassuring movement of his nostril flaps.

The next day arrived, and Kero's eyes had fallen out. Kero was dead. I never took my anger out on Tomoyo, in my head I insisted that it wasn't her fault and she didn't mean it.

* * *

Grade nine rolled around. High school. Tomoyo was in my first period wood working class.

We had one assignment that entire class which was to make a wooden car, so you can imagine how much of our mark it was worth. That day was the last day of wood working class, and I needed to finish my car. Just my luck, I had slept in and missed the class, but I took the bus and made it to school by lunch time. I went into the room to finish it up, but I couldn't find my car.

"Raven" I asked one of my newer friends. "Do you know where my car is?"

"Uhm…" Raven pointed to the floor. There was a jumble of wooden pieces completely smashed. On one of the pieces said, "Sakura K."

"Tomoyo… she smashed your car on the ground." Raven said quietly. I was shocked. How much was this assignment worth out of my final mark? Seventy percent? Eighty percent? Ninety percent?

I said nothing to Tomoyo about it. Raven suggested that I went to the teacher and told what happened, but I wanted to protect Tomoyo instead. I took the zero percent and never said anything about it to my teacher.

Weeks went by. Finally Tomoyo and I were drifting apart. I was browsing Raven's online journal when I read a mean comment under the name Anonymous.

'_I hate Sakura. She should kill herself._'

I swallowed hard. There was only one person who would say that.

I typed a storm while tears flooded my cheeks. I typed about how I new Tomoyo just used me so it seemed like she had friends. I typed about her manipulative ways and how she tore me away from my real friends. I didn't care anymore. I wasn't afraid of her. I wasn't a coward either; I didn't have to hide behind the name Anonymous. I put my name,"Sakura Kinomoto", and clicked enter.

* * *

I came to school, not knowing what to expect. I had avoided Tomoyo the entire day, but met her in the hall on the way to fifth period.

She glared at me. It was the more frightful thing I had ever seen in my life. No horror movie could compare to that feeling. I shuddered, my face paled, my stomach dropped towards my feet. I could barely walk forward. It felt like I was about to be killed, and I feared for my life. Tomoyo walked into her classroom, and that was the last encounter we had for about a year.

It was finally over. I was free. But I still had my memories. I couldn't forget. I browsed through them daily, reliving the experiences over and over. The pain felt nice. It was reassurance that nothing was changing. But now she was gone, there was nobody there to attack my self-esteem. I picked apart sentences just to find an insult. There just had to be one. It didn't seem possible that normal people didn't call you names to gain control.

The next time Tomoyo and I spoke to each other, we pretended like nothing happened, and even grew to be partial friends again. Tomoyo had friendship problems all through high school. She could never keep a friend for more than 5 months. They would all leave her because of her bad talking habits and all-around meanness towards everyone.

I was free. But I wasn't happy. I had emotional problems for most of my life. My self esteem was non-existent. I eventually tore away my entire appearance. I dyed my hair, got extensions, colored contacts, and wore make-up. I would do anything to change how I looked.

I couldn't let go of her memory, I nursed it until it was a part of me. I could never, ever forget her.

Everything in this book is… my childhood. When I think about my life as a kid, this is the only thing I can remember. Before Tomoyo came into my life, I can only remember babysitters and dance classes. From age three until age fourteen I had been in dance class. The teacher's made at least one person cry per class, that one person usually being me. They yelled, screamed, and broke you into submission. Girls burst into tears when a teacher would tell them how awful at dancing they were, and encouraged them to quit the class so the other students wouldn't have to deal with them. I was born broken and lived in shredded pieces of dignity. For part of my life I had a babysitter that was so strict and scary, I once preferred to soil myself than ask her if I could use the bathroom. She spanked her children, and children she babysat were no exception from this punishment. She called them 'lickings,' and my behavior earned me on average fifteen per day.

I don't remember how I did it, but I could still remember how to smile.

I'm not asking for pity by writing this, I just need to get this off my chest. I'm trying to move on, and telling someone is the only way I know how. There aren't any words that can express the utter torture I felt during these times. It wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't have been my best friend.

All I really want is for everyone to imagine this for a second, and try to see it through **my eyes**…

* * *

Syaoran closed the book, silent for a moment. He couldn't imagine how she found a way to continue breathing after so much suffocation. He felt an instant connection to the author, like a human would to an abandoned baby animal.

He searched through a phone book, doubtful of finding her name in there. _She is probably listed under her husband's name…_

Then his eyes caught sight of a name. Sakura Kinomoto. _No husband…?_ She lived only a few blocks from his house, which would explain why the book was on the park bench. He probably jogged right by her house every morning…

The rest of the day seemed much longer than usual. Occasionally Syaoran would glance at the phone book, and then his eyes would shift to the little book. He flicked through files and sharpened pencils, anything to make the time pass faster.

Work ended with Syaoran speed walking out the front doors to his custom designed vehicle. He held the author's address in his hand. Only moments passed until he found the small blue house only a few blocks from his apartment. He raised his hand and knocked on the door.

Why am I even here? She is probably working. Why do I even want to see her? Maybe to return the book?

The door opened slowly, and out emerged a small girl with a happy smile but dull, sad pools of green memories. Her eyes blinked, and shifted toward the book in Syaoran's hand.

"I…" Syaoran didn't know what to say. There was nothing he could say to make things better. He stared at her, how fragile could she be? In a quick moment, he pulled the frail young woman towards him and hugged her. He expected her to resist him, scream, or punch him; he was a complete stranger. All she did was flinch from the movement of his arms then give into his embrace.

"You read it." She concluded in a dull, unemotional voice.

"Yes."

"Did you understand?"

"No."

"At least you read it. As long as one person reads it, a friend or a stranger, I'm happy."

_Her eyes smiled._

_

* * *

_

This story is all true besides the starting and ending with Syaoran. I'm ending the story here, just so the rest of you can use your imagination to figure out what happened after that. **These are my childhood memories, everything I can remember**, but I used the CCS characters instead. Sakura was me, Tomoyo was my ex-bestfriend. I made this story to show that there are other people in this world who know exactly what you've been through, and maybe if you are a Tomoyo, maybe you can stop, look at yourself, and realize how you are affecting people. **Even justa little push can send a person flying off the cliff.**

Take a look at what you are doing. Things can hurt so much from someone else's point of view.

This story is true.


End file.
